Chicken Butt

True Story: Sleeplessness for Dumb Reasons.

So some of you know, Jim (my hubster) started a fundraiser, because my mobility has gone downhill sharply in the last year or two- the last year especially. If it works out, I would have a NEW built-for-me wheelchair much like the one I had, which was 20 years old and discontinued, so cannot be repaired anymore because they don't make the parts it needs.

...okay, so... yeah. I mean, I check the page once a day, and I try not to freak out, but some of the people *I* love BEST have thrown in a LOT of money to make this even possible!! ...and it looks like it might happen. I am actually running around in circles like a hamster in a ball, freaking out over the CHANCE it is happening. I get waves of snifflies/weepies over the LOVE that represents to me.

So what is it that keeps me from sleeping tonight?

It is me, obsessively bouncing between the two places to buy from... trying to decide if I have made the right choices in the things I have a say in. (the frame and such, it has to fit my body and medical needs, not something I can control/choose) ...but DUMB things... like... Frame Color.

I shit you not.

I mean... my old one was second-hand, and is about the same color as the current 'black cherry' they have now, and honestly, emotionally speaking (feel free to laugh but I am serious) I can't bring myself to 'replicate' that. I LOVED that old chair. The new one should be... different.

I am actually fretful over the color- of PART of the chair. The rest is just black.

Seriously!!

And I am worrying, is saving money (around 400-500 bucks!) worth going with the 'no returns and we don't service them' company, or should I be getting it from the maker with a good return/repair policy and just... I dunno, shaving the frills off it or doing away with some little things like the spoke gaurds near the handwheels/grips to bring it closer to the cheaper company? I dunno... I'm obsessively tinkering with the options, trying to mini-max the parts I have a choice in...

Like Frame Color.

What the HELL is wrong with me?
Chicken Butt

So Life is Interesting OUT HERE in the Boondocks of Civilization... ;)

So you can Google up "Riverside" Washington, and that's where we live- up on the "Flats" of the Omak area... It's a small community, and yeah, we're an interesting space...

I wanna share this here on LJ, tho if you have seen it on Facebook it's not new news:

This is my photoblog, in which I attempt to make an entry every day- it won't happen, but the entries that DO happen are gunna be AWESOME- like THESE!

6-11-15: The Rescuing of a Turtle:

http://www.photoblog.com/Chickenlife/2015/06/11/so-beginneth-the-billionth-attempt-at-365.html

6-12-15: The Releasing and thus, completion of the Rescue of the Turtle:

http://www.photoblog.com/Chickenlife/2015/06/12/turtle-rescue-complete.html

To make a long story short, poor thing was zooming around in circles on the early morning road, and traffic was all over trying not to hit it. (wow can that thing move!) ...I took it home long enough to find out what it was, where it came from (likely anyway) and thus, where to TAKE it... because it was an aquatic turtle, in a desert-like shopping zone on the highway. :P Fish and Game was helpful, and we were able to take it to the best Habitat possible for it, and release it. :) Pics so you can oooh and aaahhh over his lovely colors. :)

Also, you do not know how hard it was for me to reconcile the urge to save a possibly threatened species with the urge to make a turtle-shell rattle... *shifty eyes go here* Seriously, I had a moral dilemma. I suppose the turtle was happy with my choice. O:)
Chicken Butt

Top Ten things Happening Right NOW! :)

1) We still live in the same trailer, with the same chicken-farming thing (and the same problems) but we have dug our feetsies in, and don't really plan to move yet. Love Them Chickens!

2) Last fall/winter I started from a shoebox (and then a second one) of mixed darkling beetles, pupae, and mealworms gifted to me by a chicken-raising friend... and I slowly built a mini-mealworm EMPIRE. Okay, it's more like a mealworm farm. It's AWESOMESAUCE.

3) I feel like we have burned a lot of bridges, but we have built a lot, too- just a lot of social things have changed around. I have mixed feelings about it, but more good than bad for the MOST part.

4) Our little dog, Benny, was absolutely NOT a "pure chihuahua"- LOL... (we kinda knew that of course!) ...but he is probably HALF Chihuahua, and probably the other half is Rat Terrier... or a mix of terrier-ish things. He is, however, a delicate 21 lbs of AWESOME. :)

5) Cora, who washed out of the Service Dog training, is happily living with her forever owners, and they have not once regretted it (well.... maybe ONCE... hahahaha) ...and so my heart is at ease and GLAD over that. At least all I have to carry is grief/guilt that I fundraised to buy and train her, and she washed out- and not that we in any way 'dumped' her... I think she is VERY loved, and will be all her life with them.

6) I am still glued to 'scary movies' as my main entertainment- we do not have TV service out here, and I do NOT regret it. :) Netflix is my friend. (and Bittorrent is our illicit buddy.)

7) Some terrifying health issues happened- and I am STILL ALIVE! (okay, you guessed that, LOL)

8) We are climbing back onto our feet, step by step... my otherhalf should have his driver's license back in a month or two at most (fricking traffic cameras in other states!) and he has a part time job at Home Depot that is filling some of the gaps while we work on that, so he can start applying to places to try and finish his internship in Funeral Services before the 'time' on his license for that runs out.

9) I am being seen by a VA doc for my PTSD and we are really /working/ on things now. Not just 'talking' about things, and not just random helpful ideas, but REAL treatment plans. I wouldn't trade that for the WORLD.

10) All three cats are still alive, healthy, and HAPPY... this too, is a blessing, given the girls are like 13 now, and probably Hieronymus escapes being killed by them in his sleep every night. *wink*
Chicken Butt

Wow.

It's been more than a YEAR... in May of 2014 some scary things were going on...

Now it is June of 2015, and although some things are still... hurdles... I have been struggling, refusing to go under, so to speak.

I MISS Blogging.

I MISS My Livejournal Friends.

Someone asked me if I could promote something on Livejournal the other day and I was all 'Crap. No.' ...because somewhere along the line I just stopped BLOGGING.

That makes me SAD.

I guess, if it makes me sad... maybe I should try to 'come back' and start again.

So... Uhm... HI.

I guess I'm Back?
Chicken Butt

Life With Chickens

It also occurs to me, I may not have linked the photoblog here...

A friend who cannot have chickens, sent us the money to buy a new group of baby chicks!!

As a thank you, we have been trying the '365 project' (one photo a day) that are of the chicks or the chickens/chicken life in general!

I have been sick with the tooth thing so it's not been updated in a few days, but we'll probably get to it tonight:

http://www.photoblog.com/Chickenlife

There is a little calendar and a 'next/previous' button, so you can always just go visit now and again and still see the former entries!

:)
Chicken Butt

Lucky 'break' in Teeth Care... an anecdote...

So I find out the insurance had switched, and I decide now is a good time to call the dentist- the old care had rejected the tooth extractions needed for no logical reason- but the new one covers them no matter what. SO. I called.

The nurse's computer was acting up bigtime (psst, Thanks Hermes!) and she kept talking aloud as she tried to figure out my file...

The Dentist passed through, and I heard him exclaim, "WAIT... is That David??" and when she explained, he was all excited/loud, and was "I wanted to pull those two teeth last SEPTEMBER... are they STILL abscessed? Oh God... Mrs (so-and-so) just cancelled, right? PUT HIM IN THERE... I will pull them tomorrow."

and BOOM. I had an appointment for Saturday to yank two abscessed teeth less than 24 hours from the call.

WHOOT!

So they came out EASY- which was a huge blessing, because one was broken off AT the gum line, and one had been broken off there so long ago it was covered in gum tissue already... as it happened, the bigger one came out fine, with a mere two roots under the bit, and the other had been mostly reabsorbed so there wasn't a root so much as an oval (like the fatter bottom half of an egg) for a 'root' left... so out it came... no real 'surgery' on either was required. YAY!!!

They did have to insert a weird little pellet of absorbing bone-stuff so that the hold from the abscess to my sinuses would be blocked off and the matrix will dissolve while my bone grows into it to permenantly seal it- but that wasn't a big deal, compared to what oral surgery would have been. He did a GREAT job. The whole procedure only took about an hour, once they started cutting tissue/pulling teeth, and repairing the hole, putting a tiny drain hole in instead, etc...

Saved my life, if not literally, then /quality/ of life for SURE.

I was ready to take a hammer to my face, it hurt so bad before that.

So, there's another abscess in the lower jaw, but they will get on that the next cancellation they have- and they have me scheduled for the first week in June, to come in for the full xray and examination that the former insurance had 'declined' to pay for. So this new insurance ROCKS... seriously!!

For the curious- I don't have any 'intact' teeth left. Between a face kick by a horse when I was younger, and then the hyper-vomiting caused by the tumors, my teeth are not saveable, what FEW I have left. (seriously, I now have ONE on the top jaw, and maybe five on the lower front mandible) ...and there IS a complicating factor of having a mouth too small for 'regular' dentures- but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. FIRST, getting the remnants of broken and infected teeth out is a HUGE benefit. HUGE...

I am so relieved. The world has been using me for a port-a-potty for the last month or two, so this is SO WELCOME... so relived, even to have it HALF solved!

Seriously.

Thank you, Gawds, for the series of 'unfortunate' events that lead to getting this finally done.

I won't pretend it went painlessly or was fun, but I will take pain and hardship over not having it fixed, ANY day. A few days of pain, and I will start healing. THAT is priceless.
Chicken Butt

OMG, Teeth. Something went RIGHT!

So a week or so ago, I had a talk with the state insurance 'explainer person'. (They have a title, i am sure...) and told her I had heard that I had a choice of multiple plans, as someone on Disabillity, and Molina (which I was on) was screwing me over, so I wanted to change.

OMG best call EVAR!!!

After a meeting with her, I learned that Molina is a profit-driven company, which has investors and corporate bonuses for taking IN more money than it puts OUT... and the Molina plan I am on is /technically/ medicaid, but is ACTUALLY still part of the profit-driven system... which is why after my having Sleep Apnea and using a CPAP for like 15 years or more, they suddenly refused to pay for the bi-pap and treatment of the Sleep Apnea, saying "You do not have Sleep Apnea" (uh... uhhh... yes. Yes I do. How WEIRD.) Because statistically, it only costs more to treat as you get older, and the new machine peeved them off, from a cost standpoint.

SO... I switched plans.

I now belong to a NOT-For-Profit option available in ALL of washington state, called "Apple Health". They are a preferred medicaid provider for MANY clinics and private pay docs, because they come at the patient's records from a 'lets have them see another doctor' instead of 'no wai, i ain't paying for this' direction. If they doubt your doctor, they require a second opinion instead. See, THAT makes sense. I don't want my health care dictated by a profit margin-driven DESK WORKER. :P

SO the GOOD news?

My doc has been hassling me to get my teeth dealt with, because it's a huge health issue for me personally... and I AM, now. WOW, Awesome, in this particular moment of life, this is a HUGE thing!!

THANK YOU 'obamacare' which made this possible. It may have a ways to go as health care in the US does, but this was a HUGE step in my life.

So I called the dentist, and a funny (good!) thing happened. I will make a separate post, cause this one is spammy already. Essentially tho, I am headed down the road to getting my nasty teeth yanked and then we will address dentures or whatever needs to happen. It will make a HUGE improvement just to have them out!
Chicken Butt

So. There's That, Then.

I haven't posted for a long time.

Our lives had... a hitch. Or three. Or four.

The final one was a pole-ax to the back of the head for me, emotionally and in many ways, physically.

To make a tediously long story intensely short- My driver's license expired in march, along with my phone, neither of which I could afford to pay. The storage shed is a month late, because I couldn't pay it. The owner of the trailer we live in sold the trailer to her brother-in-law, who was the acting landlord (who never repaired anything). We had to beg and barter and pay out the ASS to fix the toilet, he's impossible to get to do anything. Now, he has decided that he wants to 'rennovate' the trailer and move his family into it.

Great. So hundreds and hundreds of dollars into making an in-habitable trailer habitable... they decide to sell it to SOMEONE ELSE.

So. We asked to buy it. He says no. He says plenty of buyers (I smell bullshit) but he wants to live in it because it is bigger than his.

Of course, we are also behind one month in rent, so we have NO ground to stand on. We have nothing with which to fight. The plan to have a lien placed so they couldn't sell it didn't happen before they sold it- so what would he care if we did?

He speaks Spanish, and you can't communicate with him. He sometimes allows someone to translate, but it's usually his poor ten year old son, who is shy and horrified by everything... or his scam-laden, scummy nephew who is always trying to con us into something.

So.

You probably knew we were not housing stable anyway.

You know I make 700 a month, and they calculate weather you're allowed to rent a place by if the rent is one third of your income (so we can 'afford' 233.33 a month, according to the landlord credit folks) and we have a piss poor rental history to boot, having been homeless among other things, for a long time.

We will have nowhere to go, really- tho they claim they will give us 'three or four months' warning, I still smell bullshit- plus, he wants to come in 'whenever he has time' and do work on the place. It's a messy place right now, and I cannot IMAGINE having this guy drop in just... whenever... and work in my HOME- HIS home... not ours anymore... just... hey, i'm putting in tile in the kitchen, maybe this sunday.

I just... This BROKE me.

This was my ONE chance at 'owning' a home. Yah, it was a crappy trailer, and i'd still have been paying 200 a month to live on the trailer flat, but it was becoming HOME. Paint, woodwork, gardens put in, coop and chicken runs built...

I just don't.

I don't EVEN.

I feel numb, and grief-wracked, and I am pretty sure we're screwed now, because I cannot FIND another place to rent that is even remotely within our reach, or would allow us this agriculturally based lifestyle I was loving so MUCH.

My 'fresh start'?

GONE.

Back to the prospect of begging the government for a one bedroom apartment in which we will not be able to have the three indoor cats, and possibly not the dog, who grew to be 20 lbs- and may or may not qualify in any way as an emotional support animal- but knowing we have them... it would be a no go, or would require TONS of deposits. And all the work we put in with gardens and chickens... gone.

I just can't.

I can't live like that, crammed wall to wall to floor to ceiling with neighbors... with yelling people on the street, with cars at all hours, with... people who are fucking NUTS, and cops who get more aggressive every day... I cannot stand the THOUGHT of living in the city, in some low income highrise.

The irony? I was turned down a year ago for them anyway. For an incomplete/not long enough rental history... not enough landlords to talk to. They also do not allow multiple animals. At best, Jim and I could qualify to live apart, if we were not married. Maybe. I don't know how he'd pay ANY rent, as I have supported him since he lost his job.

I'm just done.

I'm so done, and I don't even have words for it.

This was the thing. I had started a new life, and then everything crumbled down around it.

I'm done.

I just can't even fathom how I will in any way, shape, or form, recover from this.

I HOPE to pay the back rent on the storage shed today.

I do NOT have enough to renew my Driver's License.

I do NOT have enough for a phone. (Jim already has an 'emergency cell' and those are one per address, so don't give me shit about free phones. we have it. it's limited, it dials 911 and local, that's it.)

I'm done.

I'm done with fresh seedlings I used food stamps to buy the seeds for.

I am done with chickens I willingly gave of, both meat and eggs, to neighbors. INCLUDING the landlords... I am done.

I can't anymore.

All I EVER wanted, was to work as much as I could, at home, because I am disabled enough I cannot work at a traditional job.

Too bad I aspired to this shitty trailer and it's shitty owners and the even more shitty world it sits in.

No home for me.

I'm done.

Honestly, I just CAN'T anymore. You have no idea, how many times I have put a spouse through college, or supported them through a bad period, or paid everyone's rent because I could... and the last decade has been HELL... surgery and sickness after surgery and sickness, losing Big Bertha and Cora's Failure, my being kicked out of college while I had a 4.0 because of a seizure... the last house fiasco, and then the fail of trying to stay with friends... homelessness... Jim losing his job, again...

I am Done, in ways I don't think even *I* can fully understand.

The only thing to decide now, is how to wrap it all up into a nice little bundle, and walk away.

I don't know. I'm just so done, even that seems out of reach.
Chicken Butt

PTSD sucks... and is FUNNY...

So I have been really, REALLY symptomatic with the PTSD lately- it's why I haven't been blogging and why I am mostly sharing stuff on FB and not posting much personal stuff. (If I did, I would rant rant rant a lot, and write LONG spammy entries, or rant about weird things that are bugging me... it would be awkward and weird.)

But when you're REALLY symptomatic with PTSD, there's only two things to do- be weird and just get through it... or take moar drugs and in a way... be weirder, but a hell of a lot funnier.

The other day, I honestly couldn't sleep- for two days. No shit. ...so DRUGS. Yes. Some Drugs make that better.

The funny thing is, it's the same stuff they put in Nyquil, so it makes you LOOOOOPY. (and have VERY vivid dreams, which I already do, so.. LOL)

Here- have a PEEK into my brain:

So in the dream, I was at some Lady Gaga thing, and I was in the gathering area (like a convention space) when she shows up on the railing above, with her staff, to choose some of us weirdos to come be in her stage thing...

I was dressed a litte more odd than usual, because I had just bought a loose shirt with stitching and slight ruffles on the front and piratey cuffs with a little ruffling and stiching... nothing TOO fancy, but just good enough it hid the fact that I had /come/ in my usual workshirt (I never have cool clothes unless I am doing a convention or festival!) ...so as she's picking people, I am suddenly really GLAD I bought the shirt, because Dooood. I respect her- and I didn't wanna look stupid.

Well, she points my way, and I look back and there's this cool dude with a steampunky vest and wicked chops, and so I grin and step aside and make a grand 'go on through' gesture to him, pleased he was gunna be on stage...

But she gets this HUGE scowl, and a kind of chastizing look, and point-point-points at ME. (NO, silly... YOU. I am looking right at YOU!)

So I am thinking, uh oh. I am way not that cool... but maybe she's got the gay-dar or someone knows I am TG and told her, or... something. Okay, cool. No one would wanna see me dance, but it's just for a quickie thing, right? I can follow instructions. I'll go.

To make a long dream short (too late), I end up with the others she picked up in the studio, getting done up with enough makeup we look decent under the lights and on camera. Most of the time, I spend WORRYING that my pants will fall down. (to be fair, I have lost a lot of weight, and that happens a LOT in real life. I wear suspenders when I go out somewhere nice, so...)

At one point, I finally confess this to the stage gal, and she eeps, and giggles, and teases me about how I should have SAID something- she will go get me a pair of suspenders, and all will be well!

She vrooms off, and I am left with the other stage gal, teasing about it- when Lady Gaga shows up again, in a different outfit (because LADY GAGA) and I am all blushing.

She asks about what the joking is, and I confess- I don't wanna lose my pants on the stage floor, no one wants to see that!!

She gets a little stern, and one of the dancers ELBOWS me, and says "Bitch- you whined you got girl hips, and you can't even keep your PANTS on that ass! I'm gunna reach out and SLAP you." ...I am blushing but laughing, and Lady Gaga makes some joke about pants falling down and that being about par for the course...

...and I note, "I can't! I'm wearing boxers with Andy Warhol COWS on them!!"

(Okay, to be fair, I own those, and was wearing them to BED.)

She makes a grin and a mock-shocked look, and grabs my belt loop, to turn be around, saying, "I wanna see!!"

I obligingly pull them up a bit, and show her my yellow and red and blue Andy Warhol COW boxers...

She Squeals, "I HAVE TO HAVE THOSE!!! Where did you find them!!!"

I GRIN wickedly, and note, "So when I get home, I get to tell my husband Lady Gaga wantes MY panties?"

She has a HUGE laugh, there is some good natured slapping-batting-swatting, and then she gives me this big ass LECTURE about how I look GOOD, and fuck how I keep saying I don't, she wants me up there!

Further, she is shocked and amazed when I admit I am TG. (AKWAYS an ego boost when that happens in real life, too!)

So by the time I wake up from this dream, all I can do is GIGGLE about the boxer/panties thing.

Lady Gaga wanted MY underwear. LOL. I would never shut up about that. That would be an In-Joke till I was DEAD.

Of course, the WIERD thing, was a few days later there was an announcement for her next concert, that she wanted some fans to buy tickets to BE in the warm-up/dress rehersal thing, if they bought special tickets... and in the picture (which was probably taken months ago, so you know) she was wearing one of the outfits in my dream. Extra LOLS... was I pre-cogging the Ad itself?

...or is the old folk belief true, and somewhere Lady Gaga woke up from a wierd dream in which some fat TG guy had Andy Warhol COW BOXERS and can she even get those?

LOLZ

By the way, she can buy them here: http://www.ebay.com/itm/NWT-Men-s-Boxers-Andy-Warhol-Cows-Sz-M-/271344307142

Because DUDE. I have worn mine, and... No.

Just No.